Job Interview

The phone rang last Saturday. Nonchalantly and lethargically, I picked it up. My drowsiness completely vanished after being overwhelmed by my vivacious jerking. A sweet feminine voice from the other line just told me that she would like to have me scheduled for a job interview this coming Wednesday, August 2.

Fast forward this morning. Another call had beset yours truly. This time it’s a manly voice saying that my interview date was moved on the day before August 2. And that is tomorrow. Oh well I guess it can’t be helped.

Let me lay down my cards right now. I was never fond of job interviews. I do not like the fact that my skills, abilities, and capability are being judged by a few minutes of chit chat. I have witnessed people with tremendous technical expertise being turned down over someone considerably technically inferior just because the latter is simply very adept in voice projection, persuasive rhetorics, and has an excellent command of the English language.

Oh yes. Fluency in the official international tongue. I suck at it. My broken English is my fatal flaw in this matter. I often find myself stammering as I frantically think of a way to properly express my ideas in a grammatically passable, syntactically correct, and elegantly constructed manner that my interviewer would understand and appreciate. And this thinking process takes way too long for me to accomplish. And to add insult to the already devastating injury, my accent is so crude and hard which considerably lessen the impact of what I am trying to convey. Interview is a game of rhetorics, voice projection and smooth talk, not cold sterile logical argumentation.

But life is unfair. You need to play by its rules, no matter how logically flawed and irrational they may be. So here we are, forced to play in this brutal game called life - without our consent.

I have already been tortured by several job interviews in the past and I have found out that they are all asking questions of similar form. Sure, there exists some variations to these questions and some questions may not be even asked by the other. But generally speaking, they are all asking a common set of questions.

If given a choice, this is how I would like to answer the following common interview questions that may be asked of me tomorrow at one o’ clock:

Note: Those written in italics are my opinions, my laments, and my cynical and sarcastic view on the questions. These are blurts which, most of the time, I should best avoid spurting in the actual interview.

It’s one o’clock. Dressed in my black polo long sleeve, black slacks with a leather belt I just bought from the nearby mall, black slugs leather shoes and black socks (I hate black really), I annoyedly proceed to the room where the interview will be conducted. Then the inquisitor err… interviewer began the torture err.. interview session.

Q: Tell me about yourself.

I hate this question. It requires me to speak voluminously in straight English and as mentioned already, my English speaking skill leaves much to be desired. Basically I should answer something about myself that would make the interviewer view me as very qualified for the work position I am vying for. This is my err.. chance to introduce my qualifications, good work habits, educational attainments etc. Of course I should only mention those that are related to the work and career I am aspiring for. So saying my seduction skills in bed is not going to help.

A. I am <state my name> (Just out of courtesy). I hold a diploma in Computer System Design and Programming to go along with my bachelor’s degree in Information Technology. While taking my two year course, through hardwork and determination, I was able to hone my academics and technical skills to the point where I was recognized by my school as the sole recipient of the Most Outstanding Student award. The school had also noticed my exemplary writing skills and my ability to organize my thoughts in a coherent language form hence I was appointed initially as one of the school paper’s mainstay article writer. The following year, I was elavated as the associate editor due to my reputation of being able to make complex thoughts to be written in a simple and easily comprehensible manner. Furthermore, my ability to lead and influence people and my ability to strategize a feasible plan in solving problems had made me worthy enough to be elected as the Chief Executive of the school’s Supreme Student Organization. Due to my technical knowledge, the school has deemed me worthy to serve as an assistant laboratory faciltator as part of my practicum in my very school where I performed computer troubleshooting, computer programming tutorials, and enforced discipline among the students working in the lab.

After graduating from my first course, I decided to pursue a bachelor’s degree, I remained hardworking and studious which is largely motivated by my great curiosity and interest in the field of Information Technology. Due to that, I have been a recognized as a President’s lister and Dean’s lister nuerous times. As writing articles has always been a hobby of mine, I became a contributor in the college paper as well. My interest and knowledge in IT related information had earned me a spot in the Information Technology club as one of its officers. Staying true to my leadership potential, I was given a spot as the president of the college’s student council. I also briefly served as the Vice President of the Peer Counseling Club where I dealt with people of different backgrounds and personalities, listening to them and offering counsel and solutions as needed. I have also been accepted to train in Cogent Vision Web Solution, an American owned company, as a junior programmer in training. I have also partially trained in Pacific Cyber Ventures Inc. as a PHP programmer and Web designer. With all my training and education, I have managed to integrate all the necessary technical details that I have learned and the logical thinking that is needed to be a decent computer programmer. In recognition of this, my college awarded me as the Programmer of the Year on my graduation day.

Now here I am wanting to share my expertise to the company, broadening my horizon, and hoping to learn something new as well by being one of your qualified work force.

The above may sound a bit impressive but believe me I am not that good.

Q. What are your strengths?

This is a tough one especially when you were asked this question off guard. It’s really hard to grasp out of thin air what you feel to be your greatest of strengths. The strengths that you should mention must be related to the job. So saying I am able to debunk presuppositional apologetics will not cut it, at least on the surface. You wouldn’t want to resort to convoluted explanation on how it is connected to your job would you? You may come out as trying too hard depending on how good (or bad) a speaker you are.

A. I am an able crtitical thinker and problem solver. This is attested by the fact that as a computer programmer, I am required to solve both simple and complex machine problems using a limited means, that is working within the constraints of a computer language. My training as a programmer have helped me learn to use and maximize whatever means available to solve a problem. I am also hardworking. If you are not hardworking, you can’t be a programmer. It takes considerable time, energy, and patience to make a working complex program as it involves constant referring to textbooks, trial and error, and tracking subtle program bugs and glitches. I also am good in managing my time as working with programs eats so many hours of my time. Striking a balance with programming, other academic subjects, extra curricular activities, and social activities is an indispensable skill for us IT students. My vast experience in dealing with people has enabled me to have a decent social and leadership skills. I credit this ability to my various training as team leader from various extra curricular activities I was involved in. I am very good in adapting with different sleeping habits. During my days as student programmer, I have to make sacrifices by staying up in the evening and sleeping in daytime and vice versa depending on my shifting schedule as an irregular student. Lastly, I can also put my thoughts into writing pretty well as I have been involved in organizations where writing skills are being enhanced and developed.

Q. What are your weaknesses?

As the purported greatest lover in the world and world class seducer, Don Juan DeMarco says: “Now… would have been a very good time for me to lie.“

The key here is not to dwell on this question too much. It is best to lie, but you don’t have to. You can just state a particular weakness then quickly shroud it by mentioning your strategy on how you are combating that particular weakness of yours.

A. I tend to procrastinate, that’s why if I have a task that needs to be done I always discipline myself by maintaining a concrete set of schedule to follow. It is a hard issue to deal with but I always counter this hardship by frequently motivating myself that it is worth finishing a particular task as soon as possible and that in the end there are greater rewards that awaits me which couldn’t be achieved by procrastinating.

Q. How do you see yourself five years from now?

When I was first asked this question, I have no idea what I should say. Basically, the interviewer wants to know if your future plans is in line with the company’s vision and mission or whether you only want to stay in the company as long as it takes until you find something better and off you go. I think it goes without saying that it is imprudent to blast to your interviewer, “Five years from now, your position is now mine.”. But as I will not shy in repeating again and again, rhetorics is your bestfriend. So you may be able to turn even that around.

A: I am expecting to be holding a senior or managerial position in this company by that time. As your company belongs to the IT industry, I would like my educational training on this field to be utilized. I would like to offer my thoughts and ideas on how to improve the IT related services of this company. I believe I would be able to effectively voiced my insights on the matter if I am in a better position for my sentiments to be heard. I will endeavor to achieve this by hardwork, efficient time management, good working relations, and continous studying and learning matters that concerns my job and the entire field in general.

Q: How can you promote good customer service?

Oh sheez how the hell should I know? This question is especially prevalent in call center companies. I hate this question… as do the rest of the other questions.

A: The key here is to acculturate all the member’s organization with all the necessary traits, values, patterns and behaviors that are alligned with the company’s ideology. Members must understand and internalize the organization’s purporse (why are we here) and the the organization’s values (what do we stand for). This is supported by the fact that renowned companies known for their excellent customer service defined their purpose and values in terms of service, that is, to serve their customers and to serve their members. This acculturation can be done by training and empowernment, that is, enabling the employee to be able to render service that is both beneficial to the customers and the company itself and instilling in them common decency values such as integrity, personal responsibility, reliability, trustworthiness and the like. Accountabilty must be enforced as well. True, companies with great customer service allow their members to commit mistakes and learn from them. But those who are blatantly violating the company’s core values cannot be tolerated. Those who do not fit the culture must be removed. Lastly and most importantly, we must know what the customer wants. This can be done by conducting surveys, distributing questionnaires, and asking questions, comments, and suggestions. It is worth noting though that, often times, what the customer thinks they want are not necessarily the same with what they really want. Hence consulting recent advancement in neuroscience in observational technologies must be consulted as well for they provide reliable and less biased results than the aformentioned research methods. Generally speaking customer wants the following: Good people, good offerings, good environment, and convenience. We could just expound from these general principles and take it from there.

* * *

There are, doubtlessly, a lot more but most of those questions merely expounds on the above questions. Now if only I can say everything I have written here in the interview proper itself…damn it. Wishful thinking as it may, I yearn for the day when the Philippines shall become the global superpower and consquently, enforcing the Filipino language as the recognized international language of the civilized world.

Damn interviews.